Thoughts in the back of my mind...

My mom holding Caroline (9 mo old) in August 2003. From a group of the last photos I have of my mom before treatments had started to show their signs. I often wonder what it would be like to have her here with Kate...and Bryn, Siobhan, Audrey, Zac, and Will.

A couple weeks ago a friend wrote on Facebook about spending a lovely afternoon visiting his grandmother in Tucson, who was in a hospice facility. He wrote of tenderly feeding her and holding her hand and just being with her, days before she passed away. It made me reflect again on the last 8 days of my mother's life, spent at Hospice of the Valley in Mesa, where we were able to sit with her and talk to her and even, gulp, sing to her. Cherished memories. Really, those days spent with my children (Lindsay was 3, Caroline 16 mo.) chasing bunnies in the yard of that the lovely facility, visiting with friends and love ones on the front porch, sharing a meal and memories and tears and laughter, being a friend to a homeless man who had no one in his final hour. My mom, Sue, Nama Sue, passed away 4 years ago today and it has been in the back of my mind all week. I am glad that we can laugh and remember her in our day to day conversations but I won't lie and say there isn't a hole in my heart that wishes she was here to go with me to Kate's doctor appointments for her feet, to watch the kids swim, to help me work through the pros and cons of buying a new house. A lump in my throat is forming as I type this, fighting back the tears that I have not cried in quite a while. But Sweet is the Peace the Gospel Brings and is really the way I cope on a day to day basis.

One of the last gifts to my mom before she got sick (or rather, when she was starting to show symptoms but was keeping them from us so we would not worry) was to decorate her kitchen and paint the kitchen and family room while she was out of town for Mother's Day with my Dad. Molly and I worked our tails off shopping and painting and choosing accessories and working with fabrics she loved to help make her dream come true. We got most of it done by the time she arrived home and finished the rest with her there. I loved surprising her like that. I wish she could have enjoyed it longer. To stand at the counter and make more cookies with grandkids. To host more birthday parties. To work on more craft projects together at the island. I cherish memories created in that kitchen. Sure, there were other kitchens where memories were made but this one involves all of us. My kids with their Nama Sue.